“Manic-depression distorts moods and thoughts, incites dreadful behaviors, destroys the basis of rational thought, and too often erodes the desire and will to live. It is an illness that is biological in its origins, yet one that feels psychological in the experience of it; an illness that is unique in conferring advantage and pleasure, yet one that brings in its wake almost unendurable suffering and, not infrequently, suicide.”
Kay Redfield Jamison, Ph.D., An Unquiet Mind, 1995, p. 6.

This is an apt description that sufferers of bi-polar or manic-depression go through and the pain of it is unbearable at times to the point of suicide. The suicide rate for this brain disease is from 20 to 50% of those who suffer with a disease they never asked for and do not want to live with.

When my son, Jeff was born, never did I imagine in my wildest dreams that he would end up suffering with this horrible disease.

As a baby Jeff was what many call an easy baby. He slept through the night quickly and fell asleep quickly after his feedings. As he grew into a toddler he was a happy, mischievous little imp and it was so hard to even get angry with his shenanigans. He would just give me that “look”, like see what I did Mommy, now isn’t that a riot?”

He was also a dynamo as his pediatrician called him. He was walking holding onto things at age 6 months and by 9 months walking on his own. He was very verbal and had many words he could say and communicate by the time he was 9 months.

He grew up to be a gifted child, one in spatial relationships but there was nowhere for his type of gift, like there is for English or Math gifted children. But, he was good in school and his command of the English language by the time he was in the 9th grade was way over the top. He wrote and spoke well.

He was also a compassionate child. One day he came home after school and told me about all the divorced parents and the children in his class who had only one parent. He worried over this and asked me if we could help them in some way. This was Jeff, kind and compassionate to the point of seeing almost everyone’s good side, not so much their bad sides.

When he became a teenager, however, things changed. He became unruly, wild with cars, and depressed. His first attempt at suicide was at school at which time we all got into therapy. Jeff was misdiagnosed with clinical depression and treated for that. Fortunately for us Jeff was not a drinker or a drug abuser, but his behaviors with cars and other activities were very dangerous.

He had to be hospitalized several times, but as he grew into his twenties things seemed somewhat normal. I imagine at those times the disease was in remission. He did however have bouts of depression but they seemed mild. But bi-polar is a tricky
disease, often not recognized for what it is.

But, a couple years ago, Jeff became extremely ill and was suicidal again. I took it upon myself to get him hospitalized; merely telling him to go right now and he went. He was in really bad shape at that point and was only then diagnosed with bi-polar disease. So all these years had gone by with this disease not being treated properly which left Jeff in a most precarious situation. Because the longer the disease goes untreated the worse it gets. The episodes of mania or depression get worse as each episode occurs. This eventually led to his suicide.

Jeff told me about ten months before he completed his suicide he did not think he could live the rest of his life under these circumstances. The pain of it was too unbearable. Jeff was humiliated and felt stigmatized having the disease. He felt shame which in our society is still a problem for those who have a brain disease. You would think being in the 21rst century this stigma would be gone, but it is not, something which angers me a lot.

I tried to tell him that his disease was a brain disease and just like having diabetes or a heart problem he would have to take medication for it everyday of his life. He hated taking medications of any kind and learning he would have to for the rest of his life was not something he could easily cope with. But, at the time I thought I had convinced him of the necessity.

Next, I’m going to put up a list of the symptoms of this disease and highlighted the ones that Jeff suffered the most with and eventually brought him to his demise.

What Are the Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder?

Bipolar disorder causes dramatic mood swings—from overly “high” and/or irritable to sad and hopeless, and then back again, often with periods of normal mood in between. Severe changes in energy and behavior go along with these changes in mood. The periods of highs and lows are called episodes of mania and depression.

Signs and symptoms of mania (or a manic episode) include:
• Increased energy, activity, and restlessness
• Excessively “high,” overly good, euphoric mood
• Extreme irritability
• Racing thoughts and talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another
• Distractibility, can’t concentrate well
• Little sleep needed
• Unrealistic beliefs in one’s abilities and powers
• Poor judgment
• Spending sprees
• A lasting period of behavior that is different from usual
• Increased sexual drive
• Abuse of drugs, particularly cocaine, alcohol, and sleeping medications
• Provocative, intrusive, or aggressive behavior
• Denial that anything is wrong

A manic episode is diagnosed if elevated mood occurs with three or more of the other symptoms most of the day, nearly every day, for 1 week or longer. If the mood is irritable, four additional symptoms must be present.
Signs and symptoms of depression (or a depressive episode) include:
• Lasting sad, anxious, or empty mood
• Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed, including sex
• Decreased energy, a feeling of fatigue or of being “slowed down”
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
• Restlessness or irritability
• Sleeping too much, or can’t sleep
• Change in appetite and/or unintended weight loss or gain
• Chronic pain or other persistent bodily symptoms that are not caused by physical illness or injury
• Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts

A depressive episode is diagnosed if five or more of these symptoms last most of the day, nearly every day, for a period of 2 weeks or longer.

A mild to moderate level of mania is called hypomania. Hypomania may feel good to the person who experiences it and may even be associated with good functioning and enhanced productivity. Thus even when family and friends learn to recognize the mood swings as possible bipolar disorder, the person may deny that anything is wrong. Without proper treatment, however, hypomania can become severe mania in some people or can switch into depression. This is another part of the disease that is
tricky because it lulls family members into thinking the person is in fine shape, feeling really good and the disease is in
remission when it is not.

Jeff was in treatment with a psychiatrist, and a therapist, and was put on lithium after all attempts at other, newer drugs did not work for him. Even on the lithium, the doctor had a difficult time stabilizing him.

During Jeff’s short 39 years, he could do almost anything. He could build almost anything. He ran a gun board on the Internet with readers who loved him for his kindness, his helping and caring attitude, never displaying any sort of arrogance with his knowledge. And Jeff was knowledgeable about so many things. He was a voracious reader, loved history and read it constantly. Jeff was indeed a very talented person, gifted in so many ways. For Jeff to have bi-polar disease with all his abilities it all seemed so damn unfair to me.

After his hospitalization, Jeff took a 3 month leave of absence from work and then went back to work, took care of his children, did his duties at home which were numerous having an old house to fix up. He was not a lazy person. He was a hard worker. He fought one battle after another with his disease but lost the war.

Usually in our household, Ron is always cold and I’m always warm. We fight over the thermostat constantly turning it up or down. But, the afternoon Jeff died, I felt so cold, like a wind was blowing through my bones, chilling me so bad. Ron thought I was coming down with a virus or perhaps flu. But at the very time I felt this cold, my son was taking his life.

Rest in peace my son. You were a great guy. You are so loved and missed, BigPapa.